My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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