Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
