Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
We named our party play list daddy issues
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
