when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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