Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
