I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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