My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
