god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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