New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
