Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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