take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
