her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
