Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
