We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
