I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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