we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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