I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
