i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
