theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
