my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
