It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
