woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
