Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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