My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
