I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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