I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
