I am in a vortex of obligation.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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