do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
