You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
