I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
