my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Semen is not good for contacts.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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