I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I still have a little drunk in my system
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
