; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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