im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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