so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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