Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
