Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
