my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
