I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
FUCK WHALES
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
