he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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