need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
