he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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