I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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