He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
