Betty ford says i'm here all night
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
