worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
