I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Randomize
