I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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