How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
