He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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