I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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