At least make sure they are 18
Why
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
